Writing to Recipients: My Change of Heart

My name is Turkessa and I’m a member of the LifeShare Carolinas team. I’m also a proud donor mom. My son, Christian, was killed in 2020. My first interaction with LifeShare truly made a lasting impression. During the worst days of my life, Matthew and Jon supported me, prayed with me, and reminded me of the lifesaving impact my son could have as an organ donor.

About 2 years after Christian’s death, I saw a job opening at LifeShare for a quality position. Having worked in quality for a few years and being a donor mom, I felt this role would be a perfect fit. Turns out it was. Not only do I have a job I love, I also get to help other families honor their loved ones.

Sharing Christian’s Legacy

Just a few months after Christian’s death, LifeShare invited me to be part of a news story about donation. I happily participated and realized how meaningful it was to talk about him. As time went on, I was given more opportunities to share Christian’s story both as a donor mom and a LifeShare teammate. I get to share our story through social media posts, public speaking opportunities, and media interviews.

While I have always been honored to share Christian’s story publicly, the one thing I didn’t plan to do was write to the people who received his organs. I had so much going on in my life, and the timing just never felt right.

A Change of Heart

As the 5-year anniversary of Christian’s death was approaching, something shifted. While working at LifeShare, I had heard countless letters written by donor families sharing memories of their loved ones with recipients. It was so special to hear how donation had touched their lives. Those letters really had an impact on me.

I started thinking about writing my own letter to my son’s recipients. But I worried it was too late. My LifeShare teammates assured me it was never too late. It was then I decided it was time to take the next step in my own healing and write a letter.

Writing My Letter

As I sat down to write to Christian’s recipients, I had so much going through my head. I was a little emotional. But I was also excited. I wanted the people who received his organs to know what an amazing young man he was. I shared that Christian was a role model to his younger siblings. When writing my letter, I expressed how his family remembers him, “Our family misses his jokes and that big smile he always had. But I am so proud of him for making that decision to be an organ donor.”

I also wanted his recipients to know how Christian’s organ donation helped with my grief. “My journey has good and bad days… I feel like I can continue to tell Christian's story, honor him, and tell others about organ donation.”

I closed the letter by letting them know that I often think of them and the special connection we now have, thanks to Christian. “It truly brings a smile to my face, the special gift you were able to receive from my son. I hope that you are doing well in your new journey.”

How Writing Helped Me

I had a lot of emotions after finishing my letter. I felt relieved to share Christian’s story. I was filled with pride for my son’s decision to help others after his death. I wrote my letter with no expectation of hearing back from the recipient. I knew I would be okay if I didn’t get a letter back. I still wanted them to know who their donor hero was, and I wanted them to know I was okay.

Just a few short weeks later, I got the news that one of Christian’s recipients had written back. Even though I didn’t expect this, I was filled with joy. I was grateful that he took the time to write back and express his condolences. He shared that he’s a husband, father, and grandfather. He said he honors Christian every day by living his life with humility and grace. It filled my heart to hear how he’s living his life after his transplant. But the part of the letter that stuck with me the most was when he shared that many transplant recipients name their organ, and that he named his “Christian Lives.”

My Message to Donor Families

As donor families, we can choose whether to write to our loved one’s recipients or not. It’s a very personal decision. If you decide not to write or if you need more time, either decision is 100% okay. I didn’t think I would write, but as time passed, I changed my mind. And I’m so glad I did.

Writing my letter was more healing than I expected. It’s a great chance to share how special your loved one was to you and your family. Transplant recipients carry a part of your loved one with them every day. Many find it very special to learn about the person who saved their life. In my letter, I talked about Christian’s kind heart and how he volunteered at school, reading to younger kids. You could write about your loved one’s best qualities or share special stories about them.

Remember that you may or may not get a letter back. I encourage you not to let this stand in the way of writing. I found comfort in simply writing my letter and talking about Christian. I hope you do too.

My Message to Recipients

Just like donor families have a choice, so do you as a recipient. I encourage you to consider writing and expressing your feelings. You may feel scared. You may feel overwhelmed. You may worry your donor family won’t be ready. These are valid and common feelings.

Your letter will be mailed in a sealed envelope. Your donor’s family can choose if they want to read it. If they’re not ready, they can hold onto it and read it later. While I can’t speak for all donor families, my experiences with LifeShare have taught me that most families are filled with joy when they hear from their loved one’s recipients. It means so much to us to know the impact our loved one is making in your life.

One more thing to consider is that you may not hear back from your donor’s family. Some people may not be at that point in their grief journey. They may be private and not want to share information. There may be other reasons. Even if you don’t hear back, know that they likely read your letter, and it meant a great deal to them.

My Letter

I'm honored to share my letter with you. I hope my story helps you in some way. Whether that is making the decision to write to your loved one's recipients or starting your letter, it's just one more way Christian to help others. Click the image on the right to read my letter to my son's recipients.

If you feel like you’re ready to take the next step and write a letter, you can find suggestions on our website.

Donor families can find suggestions and guidelines here. 

Transplant recipients can find suggestions and guidelines here.